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We are beginning our transition into darkness once again. The sun, He sets earlier and earlier… and the Moon, She rises to rule the skies once more…
The chill in the air hits my bones, and I am reminded of my humanity. My flesh bubbles, the hair on my head wisps my face. My eyes close, and I breathe the crisp air deeply, slowly. In and out, I take my time to breathe in the dark.
The darkness has always frightened me. The unknown.
I am forced, to either accept that light will come once again, or live in fear. I often stumble somewhere between the two.
The Moon reminds me of my femaleness… She is bright and dark, mysterious, and beautifully glowing in the darkness. The darkness brings pleasure in her shadows that streak the walls. The trees dance in the wind, and I hear them singing outside my window. The Moon, the conductor.
This is the time for rest. All life knows this instinctively. Humans are still learning. We rush, and take little time to rest our souls. I am learning, again and again, to breathe, to rest. To be in the darkness, and be at peace with it.
I pray, the Moon guide my spirit to a higher understanding of my humanity. I want to rest. Let me rest. Let me breathe. Let my body fill this space, this dark space. Bright Moon, fill my skies, and guide my night, for it will be morning again… I will once again be longing for rest.
I fell down the stairs yesterday. I have not fallen in a while. As I went tumbling down a short set of stairs, due to my lack of depth perception for a short moment, you know, when you think you are at one point, and realize that no, in fact you are not where you think you are. A lot went through my mind the in brief moment of falling. There is the moment of, “can I catch myself?”, and accepting, “no, you are going to fall”. The body then moves itself into a position that is least likely to cause damage. You move inward, protecting the vital parts.
In life, we encounter many falls, many cliffs, and many edges. It is the acceptance of these falls that lead to healing, after all, we are going to fall anyways… it really just depends on how long we are going to lie there. Some of us need more time. Take the time… but begin.
Once I was introduced to myself, I began to heal. It took about a year. There were countless tears, and screams that could wake the dead, and in a sense, they did. Learning to accept oneself in the moment is hard work. Breathing life in and out is a lot more difficult than I had imagined. But I began to love the new person I was meeting. I began to get up, dust off, and walk renewed. The body I now inhabit is loved and respected in a way that has never happened.
I look forward to this next edge. I am peeking over and I like what I see. I am almost ready to leap off. It is unimaginably scary. Learning to have faith in oneself is never easy. I am learning every day to trust that I will be okay. My body knows, I need to trust her. My heart knows, and I need to trust her as well. Learn to fall, so that you can learn to heal.
My heart aches tonight…
I know I am going to have to say goodbye, to a love that has meant so much to me.
This love was not human, but spiritual.
The coming together of women from all walks of life…
They transformed me.
They forced me to look within, and it terrified me.
I wept.
I saw my face in other women’s eyes… I saw the past, present.
I now look to the future…
I am again, frightened.
How can I go on?
I have learned so much, but is it enough to sustain me?
What is the next step? Where do I go from here?
Where does a heart go that longs for depth?
My voice fills the void air, cries of agony!
Can you hear me?
Screaming!
I am not ready to let go.
But I must.
Let go.
Just let go.
New life comes from death.
I am not sure…
Only the future knows.
Let go.
Warm and soft as I sit cushioned by the velvet.
I listen.
Quietly, she speaks…
I am afraid.
My breath fills my blood, and I sense peace is coming.
She sings songs of wonder and amazement…
But how?
The risk is too great.
Is it?
As the warmth of the fire covers my face,
It encompasses my flesh
Rolling, blazing, dancing.
My human form takes on a confused state of being.
Who is this woman in the reflection?
She is frightened, but in a new and profound way.
Could she be rejected by those closest to her?
Will he love her anyways? Support her dreams?
I am terrified.
He laughs in the face of my desire
To see the continuation of light in new faces.
He is only afraid.
Where are the answers?
So quickly they must come.
Sit.
Think.
Pray.
Dance…
Worth the risk to live? To be alive?
I was introduced to a novel idea, break some rules. I was asked to think about what rules to I have for myself. What holds me back from real joy? I would like to take this opportunity to challenge YOU! But first, let me tell you about some of the rules I had for myself.
After being asked, I thought about all the rules I have around food.
1) I don’t like to eat in front of people I don’t really know, I assumed they would judge me, after all, fat girls shouldn’t be hungry.
2) I would eat sugar-free/fat-free yogurt for breakfast, because that is what I was supposed to eat to lose weight, even thought I hate it most of the time.
3) I would secretly eat chocolate, because eating it in full view of anyone would be disgusting in their eyes.
4) I would criticize myself constantly if I ate something “bad” ie: a cookie, a donut, anything fried, etc. My internal voice would go CRAZY with this one.
5) Feel bad about not going walking at lunch with the ladies.
These are just a few to get you to understand the point. I had all these things playing out in my head all the time. I was so worried about what other people though, what my demon voice would say, that it was taking away MY joyful experience of MY life.
SO lately, I have broken some rules. To name a few:
1) I ate a pastry, and truly enjoyed it. I made sounds when I ate it, “hmmmm… awwwww…”, this throws people for a loop! What can this be? I fat chick eating something AND enjoying it?!? Fuck YEAH, I’m enjoying it! Why don’t you join me?
2) I had birthday cake and LOVED it!
3) I ate a slice of pizza for dinner, and did NOT think about being bad. Not once, in fact I told myself I am beautiful and have the right to eat dinner in peace.
4) When my friends and family state they are “losing weight” I make sure to tell them they are perfect, and I love the bounce they got.
5) I touch the tummies of my friends with pure adoration and love. I touch my own tummy with the same adoration and love. I even tap it sometimes and giggle in public.
6) I took a piece of dessert that was offered to me with my hands, had frosting all over… it was fabulous!
7) Deciding to go to the gym when I feel like going, and not feeling bad about NOT going.
Basically, I have come to realize that when I eat food and LOVE it, I in fact, eat less. I have surprisingly lost a bit of weight doing this, NO FUCKING JOKE! I have begun loving myself SO much, that I can’t imagine NOT taking care of this fabulous machine that was created for pleasure.
My question to you is, what holds you back from experiencing pleasure in life? What rules do you have for yourself that gets in the way of your joy? This particular exercise involves food, because, not only is this where my demon voice is the loudest, apparently, most women have the same shitty rules… what the shit is THIS? (found at Naturalnews.com)
3 out of 4 women report abnormal behavior around food
31% of women report inducing vomiting, or using laxatives after eating and 50% of these women report doing it several times a week
67 percent of the women (excluding those with actual eating disorders) were trying to lose weight.
53 percent of dieters are already at a healthy weight and are still trying to lose weight.
39 percent of the women said concerns about what they eat or weigh interfere with their happiness.
37 percent of the women said they regularly skip meals to try to lose weight.
27 percent said they’d be extremely upset if they gained just five pounds.
26 percent have eliminated entire food groups from their diets.
16 percent have dieted on 1,000 calories a day.
13 percent smoke to lose weight.
12 percent often eat when they’re not hungry, and 49 percent sometimes do.
I want you to start eating the food you want, and truly be in tune with it when you are eating it. A wise woman told me to LISTEN carefully to your amazing body, she will tell you when you are full. Don’t listen to the internal demon, she’s a bitch, and needs to be cast out!
Get started NOW, TODAY. Don’t waste any more time of your amazing life. You are perfect, and I want you to find pleasure and joy in places that have been routinely cut out. Do you dare to join me?
We criticize the burka, even though there are millions of women in america wearing their invisible veils, every waking hour of every day. They silently pass us, we pass them, we are walking proof that silence is what they want from us. We have no real worth. We are demoralized until there is nothing but the fake smile that fills our disgusting faces. Our teeth glimmer, ever whiter, as our eyes are glazed over by the pain that is our nonexistence. Each day the same. Each breath bringing us ever closer to death. Our feeble hearts know nothing more than to pass mindlessly through, until we die. Not our mortal death, but our spiritual one.
Some of us get a chance to remember… We are introduced to a seed that is buried deep within us. Deeper than we ever thought possible. This seed was planted a millennium ago, and passed on from woman to woman. The tiniest of specs, glowing from our darkest of spaces. I thought my seed had died long ago when I decided it was easier to ignore the pain, and live inside my invisible burka. My darkest of spaces had become my entire existence. I let my fear turn into agony. My agony had taken over my heart, and darkened my spirit, and I felt like nothing more than an empty shell. That is, until I was awakened.
I awoke amidst the yelling, screaming, melting, and cries of women. Their words were filling me up, where I was empty. My sorrow filled the space. I felt the presence of angels and demons. I met the demon with a blood-curdling scream. It was then that I realized I was my own demon. But then, I got to meet the angel. I met her with tears, and she was beautiful. Tears of thanks and of sorrow. And just like I was my own demon, I can now embrace my angel. My head spun and my back ached. My muscles contracted and released. I was dizzy and breathless. I was new. I was waking up… Awakening to a new person. Someone who could live in her own bubbling flesh. Someone who would live. Live. I am going to live my life. Born anew into a life of passion and freedom. Unafraid to be who I am. Unafraid… to be big.
And this isn’t nearly as big as it gets, and I can’t wait to see bigger.
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