Do Not Fear

Why do I fear?  There is no need for it.  It is a waste of my mortal state.  I continue to breathe; I feel my heart pump blood that nourishes this body.

But still I fear.  I have taken the risk, my friends.

I am still learning.  You continue to teach me.

Why is it that people fear to understand they are bigger?

We do not want to be big.  We want to shrink, become smaller.  But, alas, that is not want life wants from you.  Life wants your ever expansion.  Life wants your recommitment to this force that drives us.

You can’t?  You tell me I can’t?  But, I am.  Life, I am.  Daily, I am reminded.  Do not put your fear on me.

We fear.  When we learn to strip away the fear, and simply live, we expand.

Life does not want your excuses.  Live.  Now.

Dance With Me?

I need you.
I want your entire self.
I want our skin to melt into one another…

I want to dance life’s dance with you.  I want to feel the rhythm of our energy in the deepest part of me.  Where is that?  I don’t always feel it.  I depend on you to help awaken it.  I cannot do it alone.  The Divine calls on me.

She waits for my presence, where I cry out in pure passion.  I will lead you to her… Breathe with me.  Inhale… Exhale… I want to feel your breath… You are breathing in the Divine and exhaling the life force…

The physical being craves physical attention.  I don’t mean only sex.  But can’t sex be an exchange of passionate energy?  I mean, the dance.  Where two bodies are pushed up against each other, and the energy between them seems  unbreakable… Have you felt this?  I have, and I want more of it… I dream about this… I want it so badly… Alone is good, but together is Heaven.

Will you come dance with me?  Let us discover the Divine together.

An Invitation

Why do you hide from me?  I cannot make you feel…
I have so much for you… you are my dream
Where am I to focus this passion?
Are you not ready for me?  I can be too much sometimes,
Not too much for God!

I crave the communion between myself and the Divine…
How can I get there?  I require you… To dance with me into ecstasy… to let our breath fill the space between our rhythmic bodies… You are my portal.

My soul aches for the love I am being denied… The Divine is calling my name… she whispers into my ear… Come, commune with me.  Let me lead you to Her… Our bodies we will meet Her together… Come, dance with me.

New Years Eve

New Years Eve has always been a sad time.  I have always had a hard time letting go… This year has been a good one for me.  I feel the calling of my life!  So, this New Years Eve, I am not saying goodbye, I am saying a big fat, HELLO to 2009!  Here I come, full of life and love.  I hope to start my own business.  I want women to experience what I have, to be introduced to a new life of passion and self-acceptance!

The name of this new venture is Primal Beginnings.  A website is currently being worked on…  This year is full of promise and passion!  I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Here is to living BIG!  Happy New Year!

Come and Rest

Come and rest, she calls in the whisper of the wind.  And my hair dances on my face like a million little finger tips, gently caressing… The time has come again, for the world to rest.  The moon rises, and she smiles as we drift to sleep… to dream… to explore…

In darkness, my body is soft and round.  My hands travel down my face, where the lines remind me of sadness and joy, all wrapped up in the story of my eyes and mouth.  My neck, where my voice resides, I feel the pulsation of my heart, and my breath as it travels slowly in and out of my body.  I take a moment to pause on the round breasts that remind me of my womanhood, my someday motherhood, and my ever present sexuality.  They gently rise and fall with each breath, like wings.  Further down to my big belly that bubbles with excitement.  It is soft and radiant.  This big belly, holds my life force, deep within, I can feel it.  I travel even further down, to my sex.  Warm and inviting.  Again, pulsing.  Down further, where my strong legs hold up my body.  They carry me through the day.  And finally, my feet that remind me of where I have walked, and where I have yet to travel.

I need the rest that the winter brings.  I often resist it.  This big life, needs big rest.  This big body needs replenishment in order to meet the new challenges ahead.  Dear Moon, keep the light at bay long enough to restore me.  Now, to dream, to explore, to rest…

I am Sad Tonight

I am sad tonight.  I am not sure why.  I am listening to music that is conjuring up feelings of sorrow.  Sadness is something, that as a culture, we often repress.  Repress with drugs, alcohol, food.  We ignore, or we quickly find something else to think about.  No one wants to feel sadness.

I experience sadness in the back of my throat, and it often pulses down towards my middle.  My stomach tenses with intensity.  My eyes burn with tears.  My head can by dizzy, and for a moment, I wonder if I will ever be happy again.  This is my real sadness.  This is the sadness that ignites in the depth of my being.  It is a pain that I have only truly felt maybe 3 times in my life.  The 3 times all involved the death of someone.  A person I had known a while, a person I barely knew, and a part of me that needed to die.

I invite you to feel the sadness.  Don’t push it away, for what is behind the sadness?  You won’t know, unless you push through.  Through our quiet teardrops, or our screams of rage, the walls cannot break without pure feeling.  Mourn the wall, but let it break.  There is a new dawn on the other side.

I want the new dawn.  I will relish in the sadness tonight, the darkness.  I have faith that my wall is still coming down.  There is something I am beginning to ravish in, and I need it now.  I crave it.  But for now, I weep.

Into the Darkness

We are beginning our transition into darkness once again.  The sun, He sets earlier and earlier… and the Moon, She rises to rule the skies once more…

The chill in the air hits my bones, and I am reminded of my humanity.  My flesh bubbles, the hair on my head wisps my face.  My eyes close, and I breathe the crisp air deeply, slowly.  In and out, I take my time to breathe in the dark.

The darkness has always frightened me.  The unknown.
I am forced, to either accept that light will come once again, or live in fear.  I often stumble somewhere between the two.

The Moon reminds me of my femaleness… She is bright and dark, mysterious, and beautifully glowing in the darkness.  The darkness brings pleasure in her shadows that streak the walls.  The trees dance in the wind, and I hear them singing outside my window.  The Moon, the conductor.

This is the time for rest.  All life knows this instinctively.  Humans are still learning.  We rush, and take little time to rest our souls.  I am learning, again and again, to breathe, to rest.  To be in the darkness, and be at peace with it.

I pray, the Moon guide my spirit to a higher understanding of my humanity.  I want to rest.  Let me rest.  Let me breathe.  Let my body fill this space, this dark space.  Bright Moon, fill my skies, and guide my night, for it will be morning again… I will once again be longing for rest.

We All Fall Down

I fell down the stairs yesterday.  I have not fallen in a while.  As I went tumbling down a short set of stairs, due to my lack of depth perception for a short moment, you know, when you think you are at one point, and realize that no, in fact you are not where you think you are.  A lot went through my mind the in brief moment of falling.  There is the moment of, “can I catch myself?”, and accepting, “no, you are going to fall”.  The body then moves itself into a position that is least likely to cause damage.  You move inward, protecting the vital parts.

In life, we encounter many falls, many cliffs, and many edges.  It is the acceptance of these falls that lead to healing, after all, we are going to fall anyways… it really just depends on how long we are going to lie there.  Some of us need more time.  Take the time… but begin.

Once I was introduced to myself, I began to heal.  It took about a year.  There were countless tears, and screams that could wake the dead, and in a sense, they did.  Learning to accept oneself in the moment is hard work.  Breathing life in and out is a lot more difficult than I had imagined.  But I began to love the new person I was meeting.  I began to get up, dust off, and walk renewed.  The body I now inhabit is loved and respected in a way that has never happened.

I look forward to this next edge.  I am peeking over and I like what I see.  I am almost ready to leap off.  It is unimaginably scary.  Learning to have faith in oneself is never easy.  I am learning every day to trust that I will be okay.  My body knows, I need to trust her.  My heart knows, and I need to trust her as well.  Learn to fall, so that you can learn to heal.

Heart Ache

My heart aches tonight…
I know I am going to have to say goodbye, to a love that has meant so much to me.
This love was not human, but spiritual.
The coming together of women from all walks of life…

They transformed me.
They forced me to look within, and it terrified me.
I wept.
I saw my face in other women’s eyes… I saw the past, present.
I now look to the future…
I am again, frightened.

How can I go on?
I have learned so much, but is it enough to sustain me?
What is the next step? Where do I go from here?
Where does a heart go that longs for depth?

My voice fills the void air, cries of agony!
Can you hear me?
Screaming!
I am not ready to let go.
But I must.

Let go.
Just let go.
New life comes from death.
I am not sure…

Only the future knows.

Let go.

To Take the Risk?

Warm and soft as I sit cushioned by the velvet.
I listen.
Quietly, she speaks…
I am afraid.
My breath fills my blood, and I sense peace is coming.

She sings songs of wonder and amazement…
But how?
The risk is too great.
Is it?
As the warmth of the fire covers my face,
It encompasses my flesh
Rolling, blazing, dancing.

My human form takes on a confused state of being.
Who is this woman in the reflection?
She is frightened, but in a new and profound way.
Could she be rejected by those closest to her?
Will he love her anyways? Support her dreams?
I am terrified.

He laughs in the face of my desire
To see the continuation of light in new faces.
He is only afraid.
Where are the answers?
So quickly they must come.

Sit.
Think.
Pray.
Dance…

Worth the risk to live? To be alive?